Desires of My Heart

Bear with me, this will be a long post, but I need to get a few things off my chest. The last couple of months have really been testing my faith and today, Satan is attacking with a vengenance. At church, Buddy has been preaching a series entitled "Hold On", discussing the situation where you've put a call in to God, but you feel He has put you on hold. Maybe it's your health, a loved one's health, your marriage, or the economy. We've all desperately cried out to God for healing, answers, direction, whatever it may be, and yet God hasn't spoken to you yet. That is exactly where I am today.

When we found out that we were expecting, immediately I knew that I wanted to stay home with our child. I have wanted to be a stay-at-home mom since I was old enough to realize that was what my mother did for us. The childhood I experienced because my mother stayed home with us is something that I will forever cherish. And I want to be able to give my children that experience. Not only was my childhood experience what it was because of my mother, but also because of where I grew up. My childhood was spent on our farm, in the country, away from all the distractions of city life. I see such a difference in my childhood and the childhood my friends had and that most kids today have. For that reason, I am intensely connected to our farm and a country girl through and through. I even have my little piece of land picked out to one day build our house on. To take me away from my home and my land would crush me. Not only that, but both our families are here and we do not want our children to grow up far away from their grandparents, aunts/uncles, cousins.

So on to the dilemma at hand. The economy is terrible. And Steven is looking for a job, preferably in Montgomery. So ever since he started Vet School, we have prayed that God would provide him with a job in Montgomery. We have been really intensely praying for his job ever since we found out Hadley was on her way. And I definitely feel like God has us on hold. Steven graduates in less than a month and has no prospects at the moment. Every vet he talks to uses the economy has an excuse for why they can't hire someone right now. I am extremely thankful for what God is teaching us through this time of our life. Through all this, Steven and I have grown tremendously in our spiritual relationship together. Our prayer life, both individually and as a couple has grown by leaps and bounds. God is teaching me to rely on Him in a way I have never known before. I know He is in control and that His timing is perfect. But on days like today, Satan loves to tear down my confidence and shake my faith, whispering in my ear that everything is NOT going to be okay, that we are NOT going to be able to provide for our family, that I am going to have to stay in a job that makes me miserable, that we are going to have to move far away. In my heart, I firmly believe in God's promise that He has a plan for us. I also believe that if God wants us to move away, that His Will is better for us than my desire to stay close to home. But still, sometimes I struggle, and get caught up in the "why" questions: why wouldn't God want to answer this prayer? why wouldn't God want to bless us with being able to live in the same city as both sets of grandparents? why isn't God providing an answer for us or revealing his plan to us?

My human flesh needs earthly security and answers to all those questions. But my spirit knows that all I need is to rest in Him. The rest will work itself out according to His plan and His purpose. As the Psalms say, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."

Lord, search my heart and help the desires of my heart to be Your desires. Help me to lean only on You and trust that You are in control of my life, and have a plan only to prosper us and not harm us.